Painiac

Today we did an epidural and a nerve blocking injection. I’m not going to type too much as I don’t want to get into it…and I don’t want to bore you with details. 

The real story is that I’m kicking myself for being such a doofus when it comes to hostpital-y places. I hate them. I can’t stand them. They are so…sterile and cold and unwelcoming. I feel anything but healing when I’m in that environment. 

I’m trying to change that. 

I couldn’t lie down on the table (big surprise) when they decided to do the epidural so that I could try and relax… it worked to the extent of how low they needed me to to the table so they could do the injections and the nerve blocker with the fluoroscope. 

I spent the majority of the hours after the procedures, laying down on my side and going in and out of sleep. I felt anxious all day today and was on the verge of something like a panic attack (I’ve never had one but I can imagine that’s what was starting). I think it’s because the Doctor and my dad (also a Dr.) want me to start “pushing through the pain” and stretching my body to teach my muscles where they need to go to function. This is SO hard because for years I’ve been sitting, standing, walking, lying a certain way. It’s so painful… and frustrating. Sometimes I feel like they are just so fed up with me… and that makes me down on myself. I thought (idealistically) that it would all be over when I got this procedure… and now I’m realizing that I have so much work to do… and so much pain to ‘push through’. 

I tried to stand today and stretch myself upwards and straight, but it was so hard. I kept trying and trying but every time I move towards a straight position, my back and hip and leg start pulsating and burning and my nerves and muscles pull me back down to the floor and I scream in pain. Then, I’m out for at least 15 minutes, just lying in pain and trying to get it to ‘calm down’. I just gave up and went in the hot bath instead. 

It makes me think that I can’t accomplish it.  I just want to know that I can get this last two procedures done and that I’ll have some relief and then I can slowly but surely start getting stronger, but not pushing it so hard that it is  painful. 

Tomorrow is the laser disc decompression, the endoscopy, and the facet rhizotomy.