Painiac

Fortunately, for much of my life I have been an active, fit, and healthy individual. I am a non-smoker, light drinker, exercised regularly and maintain a healthy diet.

This post serves as a digested chronicle of my journey with chronic pain.  It’s important to note that chronic pain is not only physically debilitating, but emotionally and mentally as well. It can turn any positive, strong, joyful, playful, loving, caring human being into a hardended, dark, depressed, disheartened, frustrated, and lost person. It can rip people apart and leave a wake of destruction.

I hope my story helps others, like me , realize that it’s not the pain, but you, that has control. And, there’s always an answer.

August 2006 

While living in the Blue Ridge Mountains, the summer after graduating from Furman University, I was living high, loving NC and preparing to move to Europe. One day, I fell while running (but did not feel much pain, but noticed a ‘bruised’ feeling in lower Right back and Right hip area). Then, a few days later I moved a table with a coworker and I felt more pain. The next day I stood up from a chair at home and placed the phone on the receiver, a simple task…Suddenly, my back and hip spasmed, causing me to lose ability to control my legs, and I fell to the ground. For several hours I was unable to walk. My neighbor had to carry me to my bed, where I remained for most of the night and following day.

A few days later I returned to Florida (where my family resides) and sought therapy and treatment from my Father, a Chiropractic Physician. I underwent physical therapy treatment (ultra sound, Electric muscle stimulation, traction, stretch, massage) and spinal manipulation, I felt some noticeable relief, enough to mobilize and reduce constant spasms.

October 2006

I’m not one to stay in one place. I had a plan. It didn’t involve living with my parents (love my fam…but I was 22!) or living in Florida. Hesitantly, I  moved to France (for a former employment commitment as a Teacher) much to my Father’s resistance. There, the pain continued to get worse. I wore a back brace much of the day, for months and spasms continued to debilitate me. The thing I loved most, traveling became a chore, a painful, tedious task. I knew then that it was time to leave…

Spring 2007

I moved back from France after 8 months abroad, and sough treatment with my Father again. Under his guidance and advice, I also consulted with other physicians (orthopedic doctors, neurologists, naturopaths, acupuncturists, Pain Management Clinics, etc) and received acupuncture and formal physical therapy 3x week for 5 weeks . I  still had severe pain. My mobility increased but my spasms continued to occur. I was in constant pain and agony. I underwent a stream of multiple diagnostic tests (MRI, XRays, CT) - these resulted in non specific findings. I was continually told to ‘learn to live with the pain’…. It felt like everyone was giving up on me.

My family continued to look for an answer. My Father continued to troubleshoot. Knowing that I had damaged and misaligned a vertebrae, the inflammation was getting worse. I wasn’t able to exercise, which resulted in atrophying muscles…

What was there to do?

Without a strong case or treatable diagnosis (my symptoms were not meeting with the testing results), there was not much to be done, other than to manage my pain, and reduce and alleviate it as much as possible. Fortunately, I began to feel some relief, but with a noticeable amount of daily pain, and decided to just “carry on”.

Summer 2007

After getting a unique and interesting job offer, I moved to Washington D.C, with my head held high and full of hope. I knew that I’d been a healthy adult and couldn’t think of any reason why this condition would not go away on its own.

This was not the case. Sadly, my condition worsened. I only lasted in DC for a mere 3 months before I was completely handicapped and unable to walk. Collapsing to the floor of my shared apartment, I realized I was a victim of the pain, once more.

Walking was impossible. I couldn’t bathe or dress myself without assistance. Lifting a toothbrush was a daily battle.  I flew home immediately and my family moved me out of my D.C apartment.

Fall 2007- Winter 2008 

In Florida, again with my family, I was at my worse state. I was not responding to treatment. I was bound to a chair, because I could not stand on my own or bear my own weight on my legs. I struggled through PT , massage, acupuncture and pain management meds. For FOUR months I lived in a recliner in my parents’ home, unable to move without assistance. My life was bound to the chair. Eating, Sleeping, Reading…in this chair. Feeling bouts of insanity, I would wake up in a panic, seeing things at night. Hearing things. I realized the pain meds were literally driving me mad. I couldn’t take it anymore and threw them away.

I began working on my muscles and circulation,  I stretched( limitedly) daily and received (seated) massage and ultra sound treatments, but I was unable to bear weight or be mobile. I was unable to lie down, stand, walk, bend or lift.

More Diagnostic Testing… Winter 2008-Summer 2008

*MRI w/ and w/o contrast of Brain, Hip, Lumbar, Thoracic, Cervical Spine

*CT of Lumbar, Thoracic Spine

*Ultrasound of Abdomen, Pelvis

My MRIs, CT and ultrasounds were all performed while I was under General Anesthesia, rather than twilight. This is because the doctors were unable to lay me flat on the exam table, my back would not let me lay down. Mom and Dad shuttled me to doctor, clinic, hospital… I continued to get treatments, getting some relief from the Chiropractic care, massage, and acupuncture.

After several months of more treatment, the doctors said I would have to “live with this pain”. Several doctors, reputable in their field, shrugged their shoulders and said “There’s nothing more I can do…” and handed me an illegible prescription for pain meds, which I threw in the trash. The pain meds only made me hallucinate, vomit, and feel like I was losing my mind.

Emotionally, I needed to get away from the constant doctor visits and living without any independence- and I wanted to to be away from the pain .

Spring & Summer 2008

Oddly enough, things started to again, look up. Once more, I started to slowly respond to treatment. Seeing as the pain had only (at that point) lasted for less than two years, I, we, everyone thought the pain was starting to dissipate , and would soon diminish to nothing. I would be healed and recovered. Over the course of the Spring, I began to gain strength and mobility. I was walking, I was swimming ( limitedly) and able to lie down and sleep in my own bed! The dark days of the chair were over. In the past.

I was still in daily, constant, consistent pain. The mobility had increased, but the spasms and burning was still there. Lessened, but existent.

Regardless of the pain, I wanted to get out. I needed to continue my life. I wasn’t living there, I didn’t belong in Florida, without a job, without exploring.

Summer & Fall 2008

So I moved to San Francisco to pursue a great job opportunity , with the pain.

Over time, after several months without consistent treatment and care, I started to slowly but steadily decline. The pain was returning to an all time high. The beast that I thought I had finally quieted was back. This time ten times more intense than before, it knocked me down.

( in this timeframe, I resigned from my job ( the pain was too intense to focus on work) and pursued graduate school. I lost my insurance. I fell into a medical financial debt. I’ve always been fiscally responsible, until the medical bills began piling up….

In and out of countless Doctor offices, spinal surgeons, Prolotherapists, and Neurologists, I was pricked, prodded, and poked. Test after Test. Nothing was helping. There weren’t any answers.

2009- Winter 2010

More tests, again.

*MRI  w/ gadolinium of Lumbar Spine

*Bone Scan of entire spine

* Discogram

*EKG/EMG Nerve Test

Something like 30 doctors later, and countless exams and tests, I am still here, with ENORMOUS amounts of pain-DAILY. I’ve had Doctors question my intelligence, my mental stability, sizing me up and asking me if I’ve “ever held down a job”, “graduate from college” , or “had a relationship”. I’ve had them question if it’s all in my head.  I am a mentally and emotionally stable young woman with much ambition and drive. This is slowing me down- I can not bear to continue to take all this NSAID medicine (is my liver even intact anymore? who knows), and deal with this constant pain. I am unable to move. Each and every moment of my life I am affected.  This is the most debilitating and emotionally crushing agony I have ever endured. I need help and I know there is something pushing on my nerves, I can feel it.  I have tried every type of treatment and medication and there is nothing that is eliminating the pain. I’ve been to so many doctors and they say that I am not a candidate for traditional surgery and that I have to live with it. But, how am I supposed to live with this?

NOW

An answer is found.

I have a bugling and degenerated disc at L4-L5. My nerves are compressed, my spinal cord is narrowing. Some people suffer through this pain for years (such as yourstruly) without seeing any proof on a test. Perhaps, if I was given an MRI in a weight bearing position, the disc compression and bulge would be more visible. Over time, my spine was just at its ending point. The rope had broken.

Thankfully, my father worked hard to find a surgeon who specializes in endoscopic laser surgery, which does not have the great risks or failed results such as traditional back surgery. I’ll be treated in three increments: Endoscopic removal of my disc bulge, a Laser Decompression of my disc, and a Facet Rhizotomy.

I have a 80-90% chance of getting 50-70% relief. This is HUGE. That would bring down my pain severity to a more manageable level. I’ll trade a drop-me-to-my-knees spasm for a twinge. I’ll take it!

The big day is March 23, with the last treatment on March 25.

I’m counting it down.

Nothing in life is free. This surgery will cost upwards of $17,000.